RI Gambling Treatment Program
First Person: The Effects
of Problem Gambling

The following account was written by D.W., a patient in the Rhode Island Gambling Treatment Program. Read another first-person account of problem gambling and the road to recovery.

"I am a compulsive gambler and have been for over 25 years. I am the child of alcoholic parents and determined I would not become an addict. I was very cautious in my life not to pick up a drink or a drug. When I learned that I was a compulsive addict, that gambling was my drug of choice, I was shocked but at the same time relieved to know that this obsession, this sickness, had a name.

"My gambling started with innocent nights of Bingo. I was a lucky player in the early days; I won the 'full card' often. I could hear the buzz around the hall about 'same winners' and it made me feel special, like God was watching out for me and bringing me more luck than other players. Whenever things were about to come crashing down, I would hit a jackpot and climb quickly out of the hole—just to do it all over again. My rock bottom had many trap doors and I kept spiraling out of control.

"When I am in action nothing and no one matters more to me than placing the bet. I have no sense of values, morals or self-worth. When I would wake in the mornings I would ache if I thought I couldn't get to Lincoln Park or one of the casinos. My mind would race and my emotions would be all over the place. I connived and stole to get cash and get in action. All the way to Lincoln Park I would argue with myself ('just don't go') but I would find myself parking the car and walking through the doors. As soon as I would walk into the park I could feel my body relax, the tension gone. I stayed and played as long as the money lasted, or until the place closed. Towards the end of my gambling, no amount of jackpot was big enough to make my heart race or get the 'juices' flowing. I came to regret winning because I knew the feelings of guilt and disgust that would overwhelm me when I put it all back into the machines. I attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings and would hear members speak about crossing the 'invisible line' into compulsive gambling. I don't remember when I crossed that line. I always thought that I controlled my gambling, but I know gambling controlled me; it had for a very long time.

"Soon after joining Gamblers Anonymous I started seeing Dr. Henry Lesieur with the RI Problem Gambling Treatment Program. When I gambled I lost all sense of myself. With the tools of a twelve-step recovery program and a therapist very familiar with the gambling obsession I am learning to reconnect with the person I was before gambling became my life. Today I have the same feelings I have had all my life, but I am able to respond differently to these feelings.

"Today I am learning not to escape, to live life on life's terms. I am going to begin a home confinement term for gambling related charges, yet how I feel about myself today as a person is better than I have in a long time. Being in recovery is all about change. In order to change I have to look at where I have been, but keep my focus on where I am going. Every night for the rest of my life when my head hits the pillow I am a compulsive gambler, but today I am an addict able to make choices."

RI Gambling Treatment Program

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