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Recovering from gambling addiction, like learning anything in life, is a process. With a driven need for habitual escape from the burdens of painful events, feelings and emotions, gambling provided me with the instant comfort and familiarity that defined most of my life. That was how it started: a few spins, minimal losses and wins. It felt like a relief from the stresses of graduate school and life’s demands. There are many questions an addict asks herself when it becomes apparent that gambling’s intended comfort, in reality highlights all that is miserable from within. Unfortunately, reaching this point is paired with desperation and panic when the truth can no longer be hidden; with losses consuming paycheck after paycheck; and the secret unfolding to family and friends. However degrading or humiliating, this point was necessary to lead me to a new aspect in my life where secrets were acknowledged and the truth could be found. The isolation a gambler feels grows as impulsivity and addiction become the motor of existence, leaving family, friends, values, and our own self behind. The thought of seeking help bounces around in the darkness and surfaces from time to time, with little strength until inevitably it becomes the best choice when compared with alternative self-destructive options. Having tried to control gambling on my own, faced with shame and guilt, success to change my own behavior was futile as I cut up my ATM card, wrote smaller checks, and tried to convince myself I had a power over my own actions. I decided it was time to get help with both individual and group therapy. How could I have become an addict? Despising labels and always wanting to be in control, this was hard to swallow. I did not want to define myself in this way. While I struggled to deny its existence, it was true, I was a gambling addict. This was the first question answered, leading me to uncover the truth about gambling addiction. And it wasn’t easy to stop. The lies which surround gambling perpetuate the gambler’s mythical thinking and without remorse, the “gaming” industry understands addiction. First there are the lies a gambler incorporates as a part of her understanding of gambling. And these lies I believe underlie all gamblers’ thought processes as addiction can be seen on a continuum starting with the first bet, first win, and being drawn into an “entertainment” gambling environment where marketing, programming, and expansion are based on patrons’ losses. The “wonder of it all” includes appealing sensory stimulation with the beautiful colors, flash of machines, and excited gasps of suspense. Machines become our friends with outpouring monies and free points based on losses. And why not selectively attend to winning? After all, the winners’ machines jingle and cry out over prolonged periods of time while the winner anxiously awaits payout! We see only the winners and want to become one of them. Losers are silent. Gamblers believe in the very machines programmed to take their money. Thinking the machine is “ready” to win based on the amount of money deposited keeps the gambler entranced. Becoming attached to a specific machine is not uncommon due to the thought that some machines hit more frequently. Gamblers, believing the slots are fair-weather friends, believe erroneously in their odds of winning even though the preprogrammed machines hold the truth. A gambling addict does in fact know the truth after repeated losses. “Gambling reeked havoc on my life” is the truth realized. The next question proposed to me was how to fill the void left when gambling was no longer an option. This concept of a void left by stopping myself from gambling was torturous for me in its implication that my thought process had become so entrenched in gambling that I could think of little else. This became my new challenge in life. Gambling for me was in fact a solitary and isolating adventure disguised as companionship and a way to escape. Despite internal motivation to stop gambling, filling the void proved to be an ongoing process only realized after many failures. Equipped with the knowledge of how slot machines are programmed with virtual reels and random number generators with greater probabilities to hit spaces than anything else, how could I bring myself to enter a casino again? Nonetheless, this scenario repeated itself on more than one occasion with the same outcome. I lost. But I began to see the casino differently and instead of thinking about winning, I pictured myself behaving as a trained dog instead. I also visualized the patrons being hooked up to life support connected to the machines by flimsy orange and green colored spiraling cords. It wasn’t a pretty picture. When I became aware of how the sounds of the machines triggered me, I decided to think of them as a way of keeping me engaged in losing my money. I saw things in a different light and my thinking began to change. It no longer felt like the pleasurable activity I had assigned to it in my mind. When spaces appeared on the pay line with 7’s above and below it, my inner voice changed from an “almost” to “computer programming to keep you going.” One of the problems I had in filling the void was that no matter how low the lows of gambling made me feel, the highs of winning (even though I put it all back) was a pattern I did not know how to replace. Addictions are isolating not only in the ways they consume one, but also in how others cannot fathom their hold. Although reluctant to attend group therapy for gambling addiction, I found others who shared the addiction and wanted to overcome the devastation it caused in their lives. The group brought new hope to the trials and errors of gambling addiction because my impulsivity, thought processes, excuses, triggers and failures were shared by others. We all shared the void left by having time without purpose. Having individual therapy made me realize how I could not escape life’s forces through gambling. Contradictory to what I believed I was not that powerful to control the past, present, and future. When I thought I was weak, I was really only human. I relearned how to enjoy life in the present whether it was a minute, half-hour, or day. Without gambling I will have to face the real lows in life rather than the self-imposed ones generated by gambling. While the truth can be painful, it grounds us in reality.
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